Cristiano Ronaldo to Manchester United

Humble Portuguese winger Ronaldo is sick of being asked about his taxes by the Spanish authorities, and he’s decided it’s time to leave not just Real Madrid, but the entire country.

The 32-year-old’s thrown a tantrum, and Jose Mourinho is waiting with a bottle and a blanket, ready to tell him that everything’s going to be fine.

United would be silly to throw away their entire summer of planning to try and get Ronaldo, though.

The asking price makes last summer’s Paul Pogba deal look like a shrewd bit of bargain hunting.

It’s just not logical to hand over £175m and David De Gea for a 32-year-old with knee problems, and a move of this size would surely take a whole summer to pull off.

So, Jose, let Ed Woodward get back to his Alvaro Morata deal and go have a think about how you’re going to misuse Marcus Rashford this year.

Marco Verratti to leave PSG

Verratti – every football fan’s favourite midfielder since they saw him play for the first time against Barcelona last season – has decided that one year of failing to win Ligue 1 is enough.

The Nou Camp is supposedly his choice of destination. Catalan egos are bruised after Real Madrid’s double, and they are reportedly searching for Andres Iniesta’s long-term replacement.

Now, though, Premier League fans are getting in a tizz about the possibility of the Italian rocking up in England.

United and Chelsea could be in with a shout, but the Arsenal supporters listing Verratti among their club’s potential targets need to take three deep breaths and a look at last season’s league table.

Surely even Arsene Wenger’s finest sweet talk couldn’t convince the 24-year-old to trade the richest club in France for a Europa League side.

Still, at least the Gunners can console themselves with Kylian Mbappe’s imminent arrival.

*coughs*

John Terry to a club in Birmingham

The Terry tug of war has left the second city and reached a Portuguese golf course.

Aston Villa boss Steve Bruce put on his smartest polo and cleanest slacks and headed to the links this weekend in his latest attempt to woo the 36-year-old defender.

Meanwhile, back in Birmingham, Harry Redknapp is still desperate to bring Terry to St Andrews, seemingly to be the young understudy to 39-year-old Jamie Carragher.

This all begs one question.

JT, what are you thinking?

You could be off in semi-retirement in Los Angeles or New York. Why are you so intent on spending the twilight of your career in the chilly West Midlands?

The Championship is a tough, competitive league, and there’s no guarantee that Terry is even good enough to play in it at this stage of his career.

When he’s sat on the bench at the Pirelli Stadium in January, he might look back and regret playing 18 holes with Bruce.

Sandro Ramirez to Everton

As the Lukaku saga trundles along, Everton continue to buy players the top six didn’t want.

You’ve got to give them credit for how they’ve taken the initiative this summer and really looked to nail down seventh place.

The Toffees are up to £60m in their summer spending spree, with Spanish striker Sandro the latest arrival at Goodison Park.

He joins Davy Klaasen and Jordan Pickford, who are good players, to be fair.

The problem is, they aren’t good enough.

Another season of striving for – and falling short of – a Europa League spot looks almost certain at this point.